Top 10 Reasons James Bond Is a Terrible Spy
#10: He Destroys Everything
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A big part of espionage in subtlety – something which James Bond clearly lacks. It seems that whenever there is a mission or objective, James seems to find the most Hollywood way of completing it, which is to say he ends up blowing up a building, car, henchman or embassy. Which probably costs the taxpayers a ton of money in the process. Whatever happened to tracking a bad guy with satellites and technology? All we’re saying is, if there’s a wall, then he’ll crash through it and make a big mess, instead of just simply using the door.
#9: He Has a Gambling Problem
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Along with his tuxedo and Walther PPK, a deck of cards is integral to completing the Bond image. Why? Well, because he can’t seem to stay away from the tables. We know that in some missions a little flutter may be necessary in order to gain information or maintain a cover, but Bond takes it to the next level – the guy has a serious gambling problem. Even when it’s not totally necessary, he can be seen nonchalantly betting millions, money that probably isn’t his by the way, in order to satisfy his obvious addiction. And his love of gambling clearly extends beyond the casino, as tackling seemingly impossible odds is a daily occurrence for him.
#8: He Never Wears a Disguise
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With him popping up all over the world and taking down huge criminal organizations, it’s pretty safe to say that Bond would be feared, and wanted, by bad guys. So much so they would keep an eye out for him if he was to ever come snooping around. So why doesn’t Bond ever wear a disguise? Even if the bad guys hadn’t previously seen his face, surely he would want to stay anonymous for the sake of future missions, right? Surprisingly, Bond never seems to wear a disguise. Even Inspector Clouseau wore disguises. Saying that, maybe it’s for the best – we saw what happened when he tried to disguise himself as a Japanese man. Yikes.
#7: He’s a Psychopath
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There have been many studies and discussions to suggest this, with a helluva lot of evidence to back it up. For example, Bond kills without remorse, he’s a renowned philanderer, and he fears nothing. Some may argue that this makes him a great secret agent – and it does, sometimes. But as we’ve seen in the past, Bond’s inability to fear bad guys and feel emotions for others can result in bad judgment. Bond’s great when it comes to pulling the trigger, but what it comes to understanding people and keeping his impulsiveness in check, his psychopathy tends to get in the way.
#6: He Hangs Out with the Enemy
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You can almost guarantee that Bond will get some facetime with the movie’s main villain – or villains – before he actually has to. By the time the climactic final scenes are on-screen, he has usually already hung out, played cards, had sex, or had a round of golf with them. And this goes back to the whole maintaining his cover thing. If Bond really wants to better his odds of catching a bad guy, why would he give them the heads up by approaching them beforehand? Plus, what if the villain realizes who he is straight away and just has him killed there and then? Goldfinger could have easily had him taken out by a sniper on his backswing.
#5: He Drinks (a Lot)
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“Shaken, not stirred”, cool catchphrase, right? But have you ever thought how strange it is that a secret agent’s best, or at least second best, catchphrase is a drinks order? Whether he’s sat at a card table, pacing his room or sat in his Aston Martin, Bond always seems to have an alcoholic drink at arm's length. Being sharp is crucial when everyone’s trying to kill you, so getting drunk probably isn’t the best idea. Plus, it gives bad guys a sure way of getting poison into your system, which has happened before. With Bond’s history of drinking, and the probable medical evidence of it, it’s a wonder if he’d actually pass MI6’s tests.
#4: He’s Always Getting Caught
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What’s a Bond movie without an elaborate escape scene, huh? No matter how tied up Bond is, he always manages to slip out of the grasp of the villain, usually using a slick gadget. But wait, should he really be getting caught all the time? His specialty is supposed to be deft detective work and covert operations – why does he keep blowing his cover? Not only could getting caught result in him being killed, but it also opens up the possibility of him being tortured and forced to give up sensitive information. Stop getting caught already! Jeez!
#3: He’s a Womanizer
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You all saw this one coming. Aside to the fact that Bond’s promiscuity is frustrating to watch – what with him gallivanting around like he’s god’s gift to women - and the fact that he frequently comes out with sexist remarks and erm, butt slaps – any distraction from a mission is a no-go. And casually sleeping with women is a big distraction. Frequently sleeping with multiple women per movie, the act of doing so either wastes valuable time that could be spent spying, or gets him into trouble because it's a trap. Everyone has their vices, right, but there’s a time and a place, James.
#2: He Takes Things Too Personally
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We mentioned that James is an unfeeling psychopath, but he’s not a perfect psychopath, which is to say he can feel for certain things and people, sometimes. But when any empathy he does feel kicks in, it’s usually fueled by a personal agenda and adversely affects the mission. Like in “Skyfall”, when Silva relentlessly attacks M, Bond takes it personally. And when any of his love interests are in peril, he’s always quick to sideline the mission to save them. That’s great and all, and it might make him a nice guy, but not necessarily an effective agent.
#1: He Uses His Real Name
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So let’s imagine Bond irons out all of the aforementioned flaws in technique. Let’s say he wears a convincing disguise, he keeps a low profile, avoids getting caught and stops wasting time drinking, gambling and philandering. Well, all of that is rendered pointless when he walks into a room and says his name. Sure, the way he says it sounds cool, but the one thing you do not want to do as a secret agent is blow your cover! Regardless of whether or not ‘James Bond’ is an interchangeable moniker, why reveal it? Why give bad guys the advantage? They say Austin Powers is a joke, but at least he tried to stay undercover...
